Episode 9
The Inspection
At the workplace...
An empty corridor. Cut to Everly, a young secretary working at her desk. Marvin, a coworker of the guys walks up to her.
MM: Hey, Everly. Pass me those papers from the office, would you?
Ev: Frankie took those, sorry.
MM: For crying out loud, girl! I told you not to give them away, to him specifically!
Ev: Preston sent him.
MM: I don't give a damn! I have a customer on the line, and I need them like right now!
A door slam can be heard in the distance.
Ev: Who's that?
Tito and Penn run up to her desk. Marvin flees, Tito hops behind the counter and carries Everly out.
Ev: Hey!
Penn scavenges the desk.
P: Where could they be?
Tito jumps the desk again, he sits in front of the desk. He can't connect a printer.
P: Hurry up, will you?
Tito lifts the printer up and slams it several times on the desk. It sparks, dark smoke is coming out.
T: Darn it!
P: Did you really have to freaking thrash that thing like an animal? Look at what you've done!
T: Wait, you're telling me this just now?
P: You better go find that IT guy.
T: I'm on it! Hey, Zeke!
Tito is looking for the IT guy, Ezekiel.
P: Hm, dummy.
Penn walks away. Everly returns.
Ev: I could've never expected that.
Marvin walks by and stops.
MM: Expected what?
Ev: Those kids making a mess in the office!
MM: Calm down. The guys are really helpful and hardy.
Ev: They've made the office look like a typhoon went through it, again!
MM: Oh, you're just hysterical.
Ev: Do I look hysterical?
Big Preston walks by.
BP: I want this office to be shining, 'ight? The OSHA inspection is coming, so be ready!
Big Preston stops.
BP: Where did the young fellas go?
Everly points at the stairs.
BP: Of course. Someone has to clean the warehouse. And you, McClanahan? Get back to work.
MM: But I wasn't doing anything!
BP: Exactly! Make yourself useful and do!
Big Preston walks away. Marvin and Everly look at each other.
The warehouse.
Penn and Tito wander around, walking between the shelves.
T: What are we doing here?
P: The OSHA is coming.
T: Run that by me again?
P: OSHA, those health inspectors. Could you please not mess things up? Please, Preston's already had enough trouble from our hands.
Tito salutes.
T: Yes, sir!
Tito runs off. Penn meets Jason, one of the warehouse workers.
Js: Penn, my man! Good to see you!
Penn fist-bumps Jason.
P: I heard you needed some help. Now that Tito's ran off somewhere, I pray that he won't make a clusterfuck around here.
Js: Take it easy, pal. We just need to rearrange some things.
Penn straightens his vest.
P: Let's do it.
Penn runs to work, but he returns a second later.
P: What was I supposed to do?
Jason gives Penn a tiny brush.
Js: You take this brush...
Jason brushes off some dust.
Js: And get that nasty dust off, get it?
P: Sure, man.
Penn dusts the shelves, he groans.
P: Man, this is going to take an eternity!
Tito dashes past Penn, almost knocking him over.
P: Now what could be going on with you?
Penn groans again, he brushes around the box. The camera flies into the box. A plush doll reminiscent of Crony is sitting inside. There is a small walkie-talkie in the box, Crony's voice can be heard.
Cr: Not in the box again... Well, I think that the feller in the toboggan is up to something. Too bad I won't be stickin' around to see.
Crony is standing at a parking lot. There is a second walkie-talkie in his hand.
Cr: Cause I'm an rurnt-up doll in a piss-stained box!
He throws the walkie-talkie on the ground and crosses his arms.
Cr: I hate this game.
Crony walks away.
Office 115.
Braiden, one of the workers, is sitting at his desk. A knock on the door.
Br: Come in!
Chet enters the office with a thick case.
C: Howdy! Mind if I print somethin' out here?
Br: Sure thing. Just let me... find that printer!
Braiden takes out a very old printer from behind the desk.
Br: Here you go. Sure you can operate that thing?
Chet is confused.
Br: Nope? Don't worry, that's an antique! And it's not rocket science, trust me!
Braiden powers the printer on.
Br: Print as much as you want, on the house!
Chet chuckles.
C: Alrighty!
Chet presses a button, the printer screeches very loudly.
C: Ain't that thing a bit too loud?
Br: I told you, it's a damn fossil!
Chet seats some paper in the tray. The printer is rapidly picking up speed. It's printing very fast, sending paper flying everywhere.
Br: Goddamn!
C: How do I cut her off?
Br: Reach for the cable!
Chet's path is blocked by flying paper sheets. He reaches out, but he gets several paper cuts.
C: Dah, paper cuts!
Chet sucks on his hurt fingers.
C: Braiden, that dog won't hunt! Braiden?
Braiden is buried deep under the paper. Chet leaves the office, slamming the door shut.
C: Never laid eyes here!
In front of the workplace...
Danny and Milton are sitting on a bench, joints in their hands. Milton coughs.
M: Good shit, mate...
D: There, you finally gave in.
M: Right then. What was that all about?
D: Milton, haven't you ever though of something? 'Cause I have.
Danny takes out an old toothbrush from his shorts pocket.
M: Why are you carrying an old toothbrush in your pocket? I knew you were absolutely munted!
D: Hey, no! Listen, you listening?
Milton nods.
D: As we all know, toothbrushes need to be replaced every now and then.
Milton twists his head to the side.
D: And after we did, we throw them out. The toothbrush lands in recycling center. From there to a landfill.
M: What are you playing at?
D: Let me finish, Milt, okay? And the toothbrush degrades into microplastics.
Danny gestures with his toothbrush.
D: Where do they build up? In water mostly. What lives in water? Fish. And where does the fish end up? On a plate. Have you ever thought that in 50 years you'd probably be cleaning your teeth with the same toothbrush? Just not in a conventional way.
An alarm siren blares.
D: What is going on...? I've just lost track of everything.
BP: Attention, attention! All employees return to the workplace! It's urgent, I repeat - urgent! The OSHA is coming!
Danny and Milton get up from the bench.
D: Back to work, I guess.
M: Mate, don't ever give me that stuff again. It's completely barmy!
Danny and Milton go back inside.
Back at the warehouse...
Penn and Tito are sorting utensils, ingredients and machine parts.
P: We'll never make it at this rate! The OSHA will come any minute now!
T: Oh no! What now?
P: You know what? Let's do it slapdash and pray no one figures it out.
T: But it won't be a job well done!
P: Just do it! Go!
They sloppily rearrange things.
T: Hey, Penn!
P: What?
Tito has a rat in his hand.
T: Look at him!
Penn screams bloody murder.
P: Get him away, get him away! I'm allergic!
T: I'll name him Morris! Let's train him, eh? Sit, Morris! Sit, sit!
The rat lunges at Penn, biting him like the Tasmanian Devil. The animal runs away, Penn falls to the ground. All swollen, short of breath.
P: Call... the amber lamps!
Jason finds Penn on the ground.
Js: Good Lord, what's happened here?
T: Morris bit him!
Js: Who?
T: Morris, eh?
Js: I don't know a Morris.
Jason shows Tito a frying pan.
Js: But check this out, I squashed a big ass rat with that thing!
Tito's rat is sticking to the bottom of the pan.
T: Nooo, Morris!
Jason puts the pan away and takes Penn over his arm.
Js: Miss Cindy, one more down!
Outside.
Big Preston, Darryl and Trent are waiting.
BP: Well, where are they now?
Tr: Maybe they forgot?
Dr: Over here!
Darryl spots a van.
BP: Go upstairs, I'll take care of it.
The inspector and several workers step out of the van.
In: Irving LeBlanc, I'm the OSHA inspector for today.
Big Preston grins nervously.
(BP: I just hope they didn't screw anything up...)
BP: Yes, come in, please!
Big Preston leads the men inside.
BP: How about the first floor? Can I get you a coffee in the meantime?
In: No, thank you.
An OSHA worker spots a crack in the wall.
OSHA1: Look at this, a cracked wall right on entry!
BP: Where?
OSHA1: Office 115.
BP: Braiden and Sebby? I could've sworn they had patched it up!
OSHA2: And there's a window covered with paper...
Big Preston is confused.
BP: No?
He opens the door, thousands of sheets of paper fly out. Braiden jumps out of the pile of paper.
Br: Freedom, sweet freedom!
The OSHA workers glance at the boss. He smiles nervously again.
BP: Why don't we come to the elevator now?
He takes the inspector and the OSHA workers to the elevator. The doors close. A metallic grinding noise, the elevator shuts off.
BP: You've got to be kidding... Right now, really?
Danny's office.
Milton coughs, Danny keeps smoking.
M: I think we should chuck that away now. I'm feeling a bit poorly myself.
D: Don't pout, buddy! That's premium quality! Chill out... In... and out... Yeah...
Milton opens the window.
D: What are you doing?! Do you want to bust us both, really, man?
M: Oh, wind your neck in. Go have a brew of your tea, mate.
D: Oh yeah.
Danny takes a sip from his cup.
D: Well I'll be! I could have sworn this was my cup.
By the dining area...
Big Preston shows the OSHA around.
BP: Alright, er... why don't we settle in the dining area for a sec?
The OSHA and the inspector check the dining area.
OSHA2: Looks just about right.
OSHA3: Now wait a minute!
One of the workers smells something. He finds weed tea, it belongs to Danny.
OSHA3: A-ha! I could smell that from a mile away! Marijuana!
In: Mr. Preston, how can you explain that?
BP: Hey, that's not mine! But I know who's thing that is... Danny. I'll have a little chat with him.
Big Preston glances around the room.
BP: Well, we only have the office left to inspect, we haven't been there.
OSHA2: After you, Sir.
Big Preston leads the way.
At the warehouse...
Penn, Tito and Jason wander around.
P: I just hope they won't come. Guys?
Footsteps in the distance.
T: Here they come, bud!
Js: We're screwed, boyos! Go hide, I'll try and sit on them.
In: No one will sit on us. You, gentlemen are responsible for...?
T: Manufacturing!
In: Please come down to your department.
T: I was just trying to help out! I left everything in a bit of a state, but hey, that's just how Penn told me to do it, eh-
Jason puts his hand over Tito's mouth.
Js: He was going to say, that we were working hard since morning!
The OSHA workers have a look around.
OSHA3: Dill pickles, labeled as a gas burner?
Js: Oh, we just had a little mix-up with the-
OSHA3: There's more! A gas hose in the place of meat cleavers?
OSHA2: Have a looky here!
The worker points at a mess on the shelf.
OSHA2: It's all slung in a corner.
OSHA1: And it smells like rat piss here!
The same worker lifts up a frying pan, the same one that Jason used. He drops it in disgust.
T: There you are, pal!
OSHA2: Now what could that be?
The OSHA worker tries to get a big box from the top shelf.
OSHA2: Help me up?
Another worker gives him a ladder. He takes the box off.
OSHA2: A loose chicken in the box! Very oily.
T: Let me get that for you!
Tito tries to grab the chicken, but he knocks the ladder down. The chicken lands on the inspector's head.
In: I'm all out of patience! Mr. Byrd, your workplace has no right to operate in such a diminished state! The working conditions are unacceptable, unsanitary, outright nasty! I have never seen anything like that for years! And trust me, I was working since the old '87! You leave me no choice but to fine you $15000. You have 24 hours to pay. Goodbye.
The angry inspector leaves. Big Preston sits down, an ungodly grimace on his face.
T: Well, I'm just gonna head out then! See you later, Boss!
Tito flees. Big Preston takes a deep breath and screams.
BP: OH, BOYS!!!!!
Outside.
The guys step outside.
P: Damn it!
M: "Damn it" isn't half of it. It's a total damnation.
T: Good one, Milt!
The OSHA van is still parked.
P: Wait, can you hear that?
The guys eavesdrop on the conversation.
In: Another score done.
The workers take off their suits.
In: We're going to collect a hefty sum, you know? 15 thousand!
Penn figures out that they're fake, he turns towards them.
P: You stop right there!
OSHA3: Run, damn it!
The inspector and the workers jump in the van and drive away fast.
M: Damnation squared.
Big Preston is holding a copy of the document in his hand.
BP: We've been fined for 15 grand... That's gonna leave a mark.
M: Hey, Boss... the inspectors? They...were dodgy as owt.
P: We've heard then talk about a score done.
BP: What are you talking about? They were supposed to be here, today!
C: I reckon they had that dead wrong.
BP: So the company isn't going to go bankrupt?
P: Not gonna happen.
Big Preston sighs in relief.
BP: You little geniuses, how'd you do that?
M: It was a bit premature of them to pop the champagne.
BP: You got that, Milton! Enjoy your break, you deserve it.
The boss retuns inside.
T: What now, b'ys?
P: How about we enjoy the weather? Nothing much to do.
The guys hang around.
T: B'ys! Look, b'ys!
M: What is it?
Another inspector pulls up, he's the real one.
In2: Inspector Ron Mallon, I'm the OSHA insp-
T: Get him!
Tito lunges at the inspector.
In2: What the hell?! Get off of me this instant!
The guys look at Tito and Mallon. Fade to black.
End of episode 9.