Episode 8
California Nights
In the hotel room.
It's afternoon. Penn, Tito and Chet are sitting in the room, everyone doing their own things. Milton is in the restroom.
C: How long's he been sittin' in here?
Milton is shaving.
M: I have to look fresh.
The electric shaver runs out of batteries.
M: Bloody-!
Milton looks in the mirror, a half of his face is still unshaved.
M: I can't go out looking like this, I look like a total tramp!
A knock on the door.
M: Coming, wait!
Milton leaves, he wraps his face with a towel. There's Yves at the door.
Y: Howdy! What happened to your beard?
M: Why do you even care? You've got nothing better to do, innit?
Y: Is Chet here? I was supposed to get a tattoo with him.
M: A tattoo?
C: I'm right here, bud! Hold on just a lick!
Chet walks up to Yves.
C: See ya, fellers!
Chet and Yves leave the hotel room. Milton closes the door.
T: B'ys, what's sex appeal even mean? Chet's convinced he's gonna boost it once he gets that tattoo, eh?
P: Does he even have any sex appeal?
M: Hell no!
Milton and Penn giggle. Tito doesn't get it.
In the street.
Chet and Yves wander around.
Y: I know a good spot, there's a Jamaican dude running his place.
They turn a corner to the Roots & Ink tattoo parlor.
Y: Right here.
Yves takes Chet inside. Elijah, the Jamaican tattoo artist is behind the counter.
El: Wha'gwan, bredren! Long time mi nuh see yuh, star!
Y: Hey, man.
El: And who dis, yuh fren?
C: The name's Chet, brother. Hook me up with that tattoo, d'ya mind?
El: No problem, man. Mi ago sort yuh out proper. Yuh come to di right place.
Elijah takes Chet to the chair.
El: Come, siddung pon di chair.
Chet sits down, Elijah is getting the needle ready.
El: Mi hand steady like rock. Yuh tattoo ago tun wicked.
C: Aaaah!
Elijah looks up at Chet.
C: Ahhhhh!
El: Cho! Mi nuh even start wid dat ting yet! Mi only a set up di machine, man!
Chet keeps moaning in pain.
El: Raasclaat, yuh cry more dan di machine noise.
The camera pans to the Jamaican man's cat, biting into Chet's calf.
C: Ahhh!
El: Bomboclaat! Socks, leave di man foot alone!
The cat runs away, Elijah gives chase.
El: Rhaatid! Come yah, yuh likkle devil!
Yves and Chet burst out laughing.
Y: And he got you, right before the dude did!
C: Shoot, now I ain't so sure about that... I'm clearin' out.
Chet stands up from the chair, Elijah pins him down.
El: No, man! Yuh already survive di cat. Di tattoo part easy!
Elijah sits Chet back on the chair.
El: Siddung.
Elijah gets the needle ready for Chet.
At the hotel restaurant.
Penn, Tito and Milton are sitting at the table. There's still a towel on Milton's face.
M: Are we getting some grub?
Penn opens the menu.
P: Yeah... there's a lot to choose from...
T: Got your demolition!
M: What now?
T: On the menu, eh?
Tito runs his finger over the Guacho de Mariscos dish.
M: Err...
The same waiter serves the guys.
Wa: Can I take your order?
T: Get me that one!
Tito points at the Guacho de Mariscos.
P: I'll take a mission burrito.
M: Is there a belly-busting buffet around here?
The waiter walks towards the all-you-can-eat buffet.
Wa: Right this way, sir!
Milton follows the waiter.
T: Penn, look at this!
Tito points at a spider walking along the table.
T: A spider!
Penn blows it off the table.
P: Guess he wanted to eat for free.
T: No, spider!
Tito chases after the spider. Penn rolls his eyes.
The all-you-can-eat buffet.
Milton is standing in line, no free spots.
M: Come on, move!
A spot frees up. Milton walks up, but another guest takes it. Another spot is freed up, the situation repeats.
M: Bloody hell-!
Milton walks around the table in fast-motion, the spots are taken several times. An obese woman lashes out at Milton.
W1: Get your own, spot! I'm starving!
Milton is about to go ballistic. Chet calls for him.
C: Over here, sugar!
Chet is standing by the buffet, Milton walks up. Chet raises his eyebrows playfully, he serves himself a massive amount of food. Milton does the same. Their plates are full as they leave.
At the table.
Penn is talking with Angie on video.
P: I tell you, so great. Tito's just left, God knows where the rest of them is. So I'm all by myself now.
A: I know how ye feel, mate. They're pure full o' shite! A wee while back I had to get Tito down off the ceilin' after your movie night. Chet and Milton? Don't even ask aboot them.
Chet and Milton return with the food. The former trips, all his food lands perfectly in a line on the table.
P: What?! Why the heck did you get so many food?
M: It was a bet...
C: On who could chow down on the most food.
M: I caught you lot slagging us off!
P: Don't worry about that. Anyway, I gotta go.
A: Catch ye later!
P: We'll call back.
Penn hangs up.
C: Penn, who you got winnin' this thing?
P: I guess, Milton?
C: Oh, come on!
M: Don't fall ill like yesterday!
Milton laughs. Chet and Milton eat, Penn looks at them go.
Out in town.
It's early evening. The guys are together again, walking along the street.
C: Y'all, I'm full as a tick.
M: So am I. Where now?
C: That casino's been on my mind.
P: Oh, there's one over here!
Penn points at the casino. The guys cross the street. The valet greets them entering.
V: Have a good one!
Inside the casino...
The guys walk around. Quiet jazz music in the background.
T: Right finest kind of jazz music, b'ys!
C: That's why ain't nobody wanted to give you the aux!
M: What's wrong with jazz?
C: It makes my skin crawl.
P: Over here!
Penn takes the guys to the roulette table.
M: Ah, yes. A spot of roulette will surely calm my nerves after such a bloody awful day.
T: I love that game!
P: You know how to play, right?
M: Place your bet, the wheel spins, and bob's your uncle.
The guys buy chips from the croupier.
P: Let me place a few bets right here, to get my chances up.
Penn places a few outside bets.
M: Smart move. My turn.
Milton bets on the inside.
C: Who needs a plan? We're goin' all in on 30!
Chet goes all in on 30.
P: What are you doing, dumbass?! You trying to lose your cash?
C: No pain, no gain!
Cp: No more bets!
The croupier spins the wheel. It lands on 30.
C: Bless my soul, y'all, I won big!
Other guests at the table clap.
P: Lucky bastard... I'm negative.
M: I got 300...
T: I'm bored. Off to the VLTs, b'ys!
Tito walks away.
Cp: Place your bets!
Penn and Milton bet again. Chet goes all in again on number 3.
C: All in!
M: You're going down, you absolute doughnut!
C: Make it count!
Cp: No more bets!
The croupier spins the wheel, it lands on 14. Chet's jaw drops.
M: A thousand bucks richer!
P: Darn...
Chet is standing over the table with a comically disappointed expression.
M: Are you on dial-up or some? You've just lost all your dosh!
P: Don't rub the salt in.
Penn slides Chet a few chips.
P: Keep playing, man.
Chet doesn't say anything. He takes the chips and walks away.
P: Dude, what?
Cp: Place your bets!
Penn and Milton keep on playing.
Slots.
Chet and Tito play slots.
T: Three-in-a-row!
Chet is somber, not winning anything.
T: What's eating you, Chet?
C: Broke my bank on that roulette wheel. Can't win diddly-squat round here.
T: Keep your boots on, b'y! Nearly every mainer hauls stakes right before they hit the motherlode.
C: I reckon you're right.
Chet tries again. Bells pop up on each drum.
C: Alright, shh, shh! One, two... three! Four!
The last drum keeps spinning. Chet and Tito look anxiously. Before the drum stops on the last bell, the power goes out.
T: What?
C: Noooo!
Back to the roulette table.
Penn and Milton win again. The ball lands on 16.
P: Jackpot!
M: We won!
The casino guest loses all of his money.
?: Nobody's ever beat me at my own game... Congratulations. Enjoy your cash.
He reaches his hand out. He suddenly reaches into his suit.
?: Such a shame it'll be the last thing, you're going to see!
The man reaches for a revolver. He is the casino's boss, also a boss of a dangerous mob. He fires, but misses. The guests flee.
M: Run, fucking run!
P: I've had it with this California!
Penn and Milton start running. They are joined by Tito and Chet, as they pass by.
T: Gunfire!
C: Run for your lives!
The mob boss and his goons open fire on them. Chet is struck and falls down.
C: Shoot, my arm... I'm hit bad!
P: Chet!
C: Help a fella up, would you?
The guys pick Chet up from the ground, they flee.
In the street.
The guys run through the chaos in the street.
M1: Run for your lives!
A news reporter is on the scene.
FL: Franz Lebrie for Channel 8! This just in, we've-
Lebrie is trampled by the guys.
C: They'll skin us alive!
He raises his arm and points up.
FL: Back to the studio...
The guys are still running.
T: B'ys, we gotta head home!
M: How on earth do you expect to get back, huh?!
T: I see Diego. eh!
Tito points at the Mexican's pink taxi.
P: Thank God!
M: But you're not a believer!
Diego waves at the guys.
D: Get in, andale!
They hop in. Diego drives away fast. Chet is clutching his injured arm.
C: Lord, it hurts!
D: There's a medkit, in the back!
Milton provides aid to Chet.
D: ¡Mano sobre corazón! Keep his hand above his heart!
C: I can't move my arm!
D: Now hold it-
M: Belt up and step on it! To the hotel, post-haste!
D: ¡Sí!
The taxi speeds up.
In the hotel room.
It's quiet. Everyone is packing up.
T: We near missed being absolute history!
M: This place is proper shit, mind you.
P: And you think it's any different from home?
M: Way different! Our neck of the woods is fairly quiet compared to this American omnishambles!
C: When's the last plane?
Penn checks his phone.
P: ...In half an hour.
C: Gonna make it just fine, shake a leg!
They storm out of their rooms, dragging their cases. They leave the hotel.
The airport.
The guys run through the terminal.
P: Terminal two!
They turn to the terminal. A worker is standing in front of the gate.
SW: Hey! Stop right-
He's knocked over by the guys.
P: Sorry!
They make it on board last minute. The plane takes off.
M: Just in time!
P: Any free seats?
C: Over here!
Chet can't lift his arm, Tito points at the seats in the rear instead.
They sit down. Tito notices the plane's door.
T: A door! I wonder where she's leading to, eh?
C: Tito, no!
Milton and Chet snatch Tito, getting him back into his seat.
M: Ain't gonna be no crash, not on me watch!
An alarm blares in the plane. The pilot speaks over the intercom.
Pi: Attention! We are having a fuel leak! The plane will be diverted!
M: What divertion? Oh, I'll proper reroute the plane, they'll remember me loads!
Milton runs for the cockpit.
P: Oh, this won't end well...
In the cockpit...
The pilots are flying calmly. Milton barges in, kicking the door out.
M: Clear off, you lot!
The pilots run out, holding their hands up.
M: I never thought it would be that easy.
Milton hops in the pilot seat, looking at the dashboard.
M: I used to muck about with a flight sim back in the day... I can smash this!
Milton presses a few buttons, he sets the thrust lever to full force.
M: Time to reroute, then!
The plane picks up speed, dashing through the sky. The rest of the guys run into the cockpit.
P: Holy shit, Milton! What did you just do?!
M: I'm not taking a detour anywhere! Give us a hand, guv'nor!
Penn sits in the second seat.
M: And the rest of you? Have a seat, nothing to see here!
Tito and Chet return to the cabin.
M: My own aeroplane, now that's life!
The plane's systems fail, it's going down.
M: What on earth, who on earth?! What is going on?!
The passengers panic. One of the female passengers' wig falls down. She pulls out a Bible and prays in a deep voice.
W2: Our Lord, who art in heaven... Hallowed be thy name!
Milton and Penn struggle to keep the plane upright.
P: I can't pull her up, we're doomed!
M: Touch wood we don't crash!
The plane is heading straight for the ground. It falls down in a forest, slicing through trees. Tito, Chet and other passengers cower. The plane stops right by the landing strip.
T: Hey, we survived!
Everyone exits. Penn shakes debris off his hair.
P: Wicked trip!
M: No way I’m ever setting foot in Cali again.
C: Don't you fret none, we're headin' down to Puerto Rico in two months - that fella got us all squared away!
M: What?!
(T: Noooo!)
The guys scream at Chet. Iris out on the arguing guys.
End of episode 8.