Episode 11
I Hate School
In front of the workplace...
The guys are standing outside, taking a short break from work.
T: Hey b'ys, I was just thinkin' to myself there...
M: Thinking about what, exactly? The only thing going on up there is a monkey clashing cymbals. Go on, say something clever for once.
P: Leave it, Milton.
T: You know, seein' as Angie's headin' to high school...
Everyone looks at Tito.
T: Maddie was away at university, and even Ricky went off to the police academy...
P: What are you playing at?
T: How come we never went to school, eh?
Big Preston jumps outside, excited.
BP: Great news, youngsters! I heard you were talking about education?
M: So?
BP: Appendix 12 to the workplace rules! Every worker has to complete secondary education, in order to keep working at the Tawny Tim's manufacturing plant!
T: What does that mean, eh?
Big Preston scratches his moustache.
BP: It means, that... according to the rules that took effect as of today - I'm sending you back to the high school for a course!
T: But-
BP: No buts! Pronto, I want to see your certificates.
The guys walk away. Danny calls out for the boss from the inside.
Da: Boss, the pie machine is busted!
BP: Say what now? Impossible. Let me have a look at that!
Big Preston returns inside, slamming the doors shut.
In front of the high school...
The guys walk up to the building.
C: That's the schoolhouse?
M: A fairly normal one.
P: Something's off...
M: What's odd with that?
P: We should stay alert, just in case. I've got that gut feeling.
T: Over here, b'ys!
Tito points at a classroom.
P: Not here, keep looking!
They keep on walking. Two students, Laura and Dwight are sitting on a bench.
La: Hey, you!
Dw: Are you the ones that were supposed to, err... hit our class up?
P: Yeah, man.
Dw: Come on, the math teacher is getting frustrated.
The girl takes the guys to the class.
Math class.
The teacher is standing in front of the chalkboard.
MT: They should be coming any minute now... Where are they?
Laura and Dwight bring the guys in.
La: We're here.
MT: Excellent. The four of you, take your seats.
The guys sit down. Everyone in class is slacking off. Some are on their phones, the others are messing around. Penn turns to his new friends.
P: This school feels damn weird, you guys.
Dw: We know.
La: Swear we're the only normal lot in this school.
Dw: Instead of learning all these useless math formulas, we learn how to survive.
P: Surviving what?
A student on the left side of the classroom, Rasmus, throws a chair. It flies right above Milton's head.
M: Woah!
Milton turns to the students.
M: Cruisin' for a bruisin'?!
(Dw: These folks.)
Ra: I'm not doing anything! I'm making this chair fly!
Rasmus' friends laugh.
M: I'll chuck you straight out the window. if you won't belt up.
(La: Don't waste your breaths on them.)
The math teacher writes an equation.
MT: Who would like to solve the equation?
No hands in the air. Penn whispers to Dwight.
P: What the hell is this?
Dw: An equation.
P: There's enough Greek in here to fill a dictionary up. Not even the Enigma guys might be able to solve that.
Sam, a student behind Rasmus flicks his ear.
Ra: Touch my ear again, you shitloving devil, and I'll-
MT: Rasmus! Behave yourself!
Ra: But it's not me!
Collin, a nerd sitting in the front of the class raises his hand.
MT: You've raised your hand twice already, Collin. Anyone else?
Everyone is silent.
MT: Alright, come on now.
Collin walks up to the chalkboard. Chet hits up Judy, a girl in his desk.
C: I'd sure like to see that nerd get that there equation right.
Jd: Righto.
She doesn't raise her head from her phone.
C: Now, that just can't be right-
Co: The roots of the equation will be 1/1379 and 6. However, the variable ד does not belong to the set, because the existential quantifier is the empty set.
Chet's jaw drops. Dwight snatches glasses from Nathan, a classmate sitting in front of him.
Na: Hey!
Dw: It is safe to assume that this equation easily causes an existential crisis for me.
Dwight, Laura and Penn laugh.
Literature class.
A teacher is sitting at his desk. Thick moustache. He walks in front of the classroom. He takes a deep breath and clears his throat.
C: Do the teachers in this school always take forever and a day to get the lesson going?
Jd: Yeah, fully.
He clears his throat again. Quiet, nasal voice.
LT: Yes, time to move on with the lesson. Could you turn your books to page 316?
Everyone opens their books. Penn turns to his right.
P: Spare a book, friends?
Someone hands Penn a book.
P: Appreciate it.
He turns around. It's Dave and his friends.
Dv: It's you.
P: What's up, guys?
Dv: Don't you "what's up" us, man. Take a look at what you've done to Harry!
Harry is sitting in a wheelchair, fully bandaged. He can't say anything, he murmurs.
Os: And you still have the dignity to ask us for a book?
P: All I did was ask you for the book. Have it back, I'll just get it from someone else them.
Penn gives the book back.
La: Have you fallen out?
P: Long story involving a plane.
Dw: Here's mine.
Dwight gives Penn his book.
LT: Page 316, could the friend over here in the front read the reading?
He points at Tito. Tito turns to the page, he slides his finger over the book. He reads:
T: Meow.
Some students laugh.
LT: What did the author mean by "Meow"? You have 15 minutes to finish.
Penn looks at the book. There is only one word: "Meow".
P: Is this a joke?
La: No, it isn't.
Laura takes out a children's book from her backpack.
La: It's adapted from a well-loved children's book.
P: Animal sounds for children... What's next, drinking tea with a fork for children?
Lunch break.
There are students in the cafeteria. They're stirring tea with a fork, like crazy.
P: Yeah, predictable.
Tito walks past Penn's table, stirring his tea with a fork.
T: No complaints here, me ol' trout! We've only got a quick fifteen minutes for a bite to eat back at work!
The tea spills from between the prongs.
T: Lord thunderin'...
Chet is hitting up on Judy.
C: Hey, uh... Judy?
Jd: Move it, Chet.
C: Why? I ain't said a single w-
Jd: Just move, chap.
C: What's the deal, I-
Chet is struck with a paper plane, it flies right in his mouth. A group of students laugh, including Liam and Ashton.
Li: Ooh, look at the lovebirds!
They laugh.
As: Fire in the hole!
Several students throw paper planes at Chet. He runs past Penn's table. The latter is sitting with Dwight and Laura at the table.
P: What is this goop they're serving? It looks like prison food, let me tell you. At least from what I've seen in movies, Tito showed me a movie, it looks the same!
Dwight and Laura eat butter chicken.
La: Tuck into that, you'll be right as rain!
Penn tries some of the butter chicken slowly. He starts chowing down fast.
La: Proved you wrong.
Dw: Look at him go!
Harry rolls to the table with his friends. Teddy, one of them shoves Penn's head on the tray.
Te: Ooo, karma is a bitch, chav!
They walk away laughing.
P: Jesus...
La: But you're not a believer, though.
P: Yeah, but... My shirt is ruined! Er, give me a few minutes.
Penn walks away.
La: What's after lunch?
Dw: History.
Laura and Dwight finish their lunch.
History class.
The teacher is standing in the back, looking for something in the closet.
HT: Alright now... today we're watching a film about the history of textiles. Let me find the projector, it was supposed to be-
Hip-hop music begins playing.
HT: What are you doing?!
Rasmus is twerking to the music. Russell, the student sitting behind him has a speaker on his desk. Sam passes him a map stand.
Sa: Here you go!
Rasmus begins dancing on the stand, like on a pole.
HT: Rasmus, please get off the stand, you'll break that, boy!
Ra: Don't worry, teacher! I just want to practice my dance skills!
HT: For God's sake, stop this spectacle this instant! I beg you!
Rasmus keeps on dancing. The stand bends under his weight. His friends laugh.
Ru: 10/10!
HT: Lord have mercy... Don't give me the strength to give the boy a lesson!
The history teacher tries to set up the projector.
HT: Come on, work!
Erik, one of the students in the front moves the office chair a bit, the teacher knocks the projector down.
Er: Bam!
The class laughs.
Jd: Hey teacher, that's not how you turn that on, at all!
HT: Time for plan B.
He sets up an old TV, puts a VHS tape in.
P: I've never seen such old technology before.
Dw: This school is medieval, dude.
The teacher is rewinding the tape.
La: Might take a minute.
T: Excuse me, sir? Quick question for ya.
HT: Yes?
T: Is it true a person can breathe right underwater, eh?
HT: Please ask questions related to the lesson.
T: But can he?
HT: He can't.
Tito puts a water bottle on his head.
T: Look, sir! I'm breathing underwater!
The class laughs, the teacher covers his face.
PE lesson.
Some boys are sitting on the bench. Penn sits down next to Milton.
M: Not playing?
P: Don't want to. The heck is wrong with them?
M: Don't ask me. Liam was talking absolute rubbish for the entire lesson... I don't even know what about.
Milton rests his hands behind his head.
M: Mind you, I wouldn't exactly object to watching the whole lot blow up.
P: Maybe it will, who knows.
Chip, one of the students, is standing by a DJ stand on the other end of the gym.
Ra: I was supposed to be playing fire beats here!
The coach blows the whistle. Fast, growling voice.
Co: Warm up!
Chip plays techno music.
Co: Spin your arms!
Students run across the screen, spinning their arms.
Co: The other way!
Students spin their arms the other way.
Co: Carioca!
They sidestep.
Co: Side to side!
They jump sideways.
Co: Skip A!
They run, lifting their knees up.
Co: And a C!
They lift their heels up.
Co: Ready? Game! Volleyball!
The male students face each other. Teddy faces his gang.
Dv: You forgot what loyalty is?
Te: There ain't no loyalty in volleyball, you idiot! You're getting absolute trousersed!
Os: Put on a beat, kid!
The coach starts the match. Liam sends the ball high, Chip is playing intense music. The students pass the ball around. Penn is on the bench, chatting with Dwight.
P: Say, what has that about the closet incident?
Dw: Huh?
P: I overheard Laura talking about that one during recess.
Dw: I don't know if I should explain that to you. Well, she's not here... Listen to this.
Dwight moves closer to Penn.
Dw: You see, it's all about her and Eleanor, that one girl you saw, right?
Penn nods.
Dw: Last Halloween we gathered at a friend of hours. Fast forward, we found them in the closet. And they were...
Dwight looks around the gym, he whispers to Penn. The latter raises his brow several times.
Dw: And she wanted me to never tell anyone about this.
P: Wow, dude. Crazy.
La: Dwight!
Laura is standing in the doorway.
P: How'd she hear us?
Dw: She's hyperaware!
La: You're dead!
She runs to Penn and Dwight.
Dw: Let's get out of here!
Penn and Dwight run away.
The computer lab.
Everyone is sitting in front of very old computers. The old teacher is still. Penn keeps looking at him.
Dw: You've been looking at old Jarvis for too long, what's wrong?
P: He hasn't blinked once since the beginning of the lesson!
La: The gaffer's always like that. He hasn't even taken roll. Have you noticed there's next to no one here except us?
The camera pans out. There's no one in the lab, save for the guys, Dwight and Laura.
P: Uh... just about now.
Tito and Milton are sitting at the computers, Milton is playing solitaire.
M: That proper pony computer can't even handle a game of solitaire without lagging its head off!
T: It was loading for five mins, pal!
Chet is banging on the keyboard.
M: And what's it with you?
C: Works just dandy for me! Say, y'all feel like shootin' some things with me?
T: I'm in!
C: Penn?
P: 'Ight.
Jarvis falls asleep. He turns his head to the side, there's cables in the back of his head.
P: I'm really creeped out now!
Dw: People have been calling Jarvis a cyborg, it all makes sense now...
La: Don't be silly!
Chet notices an aimbot file on the desktop.
C: Now, what in the world is this funny little file?
M: Said something?
C: Don't you pay it no mind.
Chet drags the file towards the game's folder. There is another folder below.
C: A shared folder?
T: We're just waiting on you, Chet! Join the blue team, buddy!
Tito moves his hand, he elbows Chet's hand.
C: Watch it!
Chet drops the file to the shared folder.
C: Now where could that be going to?
The camera flies across the computer cables, they're connected to Jarvis' head. The old teacher wakes up, speaking in a bitcrushed voice.
Ja: Move out, boys!
Jarvis takes a stapler, shooting staples. Tito, Chet and Milton flee.
P: Was fun to have you around, guys... But it's about time we left this screwed-up place!
Penn runs away.
La: Hit us up later on!
Laura and Dwight exchange looks. Jarvis runs out of the classroom with the stapler in his head.
Dw: What now?
La: The old man left, it's time for us.
Laura and Dwight leave the computer lab.
The school corridor.
The guys are making a run for it.
T: That old bionic fella is right dynamic behind us!
Ja: Terrorists win!
The cables in the computer lab come loose. Jarvis falls to the ground. The guys keep on running. A school worker is standing with certificates, the guys pick them up.
P: Thank you, Miss Jackie!
They leave the school. The worker wipes her tears.
MJ: They grow up so fast...
The guys turn around.
C: He's no more.
They slow down.
T: What are we up to, b'ys?
P: To TT. I just had enough.
The guys walk. Big Preston is waiting in front of the place. He adjusts his moustache and smiles.
BP: There you are! How was your day at school?
M: That school was a complete dog's dinner! What sort of school did you pick, sir?
BP: When I was your age, we used to call that "the school of life." Now, please hand me the paperwork, I'll take care of it. And now, get to work! The day isn't over yet!
Big Preston walks away, laughing.
P: Your turn for the end-of-the-days maxims.
M: Keep your head and you won't lose your crown.
C: Sensible.
Marvin steps outside.
MM: There you are! The delivery truck isn't going to unload itself! Wald needs your help, now come on!
All five of them return inside. Crony is watching them from the other side of the street.
Cr: I remember the days when I used to rush to school. It was just a beta version of today's rat race. And those who fell by the wayside back then are now running around the streets with brooms.
A laborer walks past by the workplace, screaming at Crony.
Lb: Got a problem with that?!
Cr: No problem, man!
He walks away.
End of episode 11.