Episode 10
Goal!
In the living room...
The guys are watching a soccer match.
Speaker: And it looks like it's only a few minutes of the match left, four minutes of stoppage time! Our team still has a chance to...
Penn rolls his eyes.
P: I can't look at this! They've been on pitch for over an hour now, no surprises here.
C: They'll get tuckered out sooner or later. And our team always puts in a late-game goal, y'all just wait and see!
Sp: The opposing team is at it! Striker's ball, he's in the penalty box... shoots! Well I'll be, 3:2 for the guests.
C: What in tarnation?!
Chet throws his cap on the floor in frustration.
C: That there was clear as day offside, didn’t y’all see that?
M: Mate, do you even get what an offside is?
C: I'll offside ya, if y'all don't hush up right now, fancy hat!
A smoke detector beeps.
T: Jeepers, I near forgot about dat, eh?
Tito runs to the kitchen. The guys cough.
C: Lord have mercy!
P: Everyone out!
Everyone leaves, coughing and wheezing.
Outside of the apartment.
The guys are standing at the stairwell.
M: How could you forget about the blooming popcorn? The game kicked off at 3, and now it's... Uh...
C: Ya forgot your watch?
M: Shut your trap!
Milton returns inside for a brief while.
M: It's ten to five.
Jerry, the next-door neighbor of the guys steps outside.
JR: Howdy, lads! What's that ungodly stench?
M: Some daft bloke...
Milton glares at Tito.
M: Left his popcorn in the microwave for two whole hours, the match must have been bloody brilliant!
T: Hey, don't blame me, eh! I love soccer!
JR: Dude, our national team literally sucks.
C: Well, ain't you the fastest horse out the gate!
JR: Well, I ain't!
C: A-right!
P: Hey, enough!
C: Not now. Looks like soccer is all Greek to him!
JR: I bet our city team can play better, than them! And they're a level five team!
C: Bet.
JR: How much?
C: Milton over here's done got a hefty coupon, that'll run ya 1.50 for the guests.
M: Leave my acca out of this bet! Get your own, bruv!
JR: Firanzia, huh? Our Demobilia will crush them.
C: Loser pays the winner’s bet back, that clear? How much you put down, Milt?
M: Piss off.
JR: How 'bout a thousand then?
C: Bet.
Chet and Jerry shake hands.
JR: Catch you later at the stadium. Better hurry, the match starts at six.
Jerry walks away. Chet snickers.
C: And he figures he's got it in the bag.
M: If this goes tits up, I'll shove an umbrella up your arse and open it! Dead serious.
P: Come on, let's get going already.
The guys walk out.
In front of the stadium...
The Demobilia team is training at the home stadium.
T: B'ys, what if we tank it?
C: We ain't losin' this. They ain't got the sand to score.
P: How so?
McGarvey, the soccer coach steps in.
MG: Would you look at that, new players!
P: Huh? But we're not-
MG: Yes, you are! Get to it, time is ticking!
M: But-
MG: But nothing!
T: I'll be the goalie, eh!
C: Well I'll be damned.
The guys are on the field. Basin and Baldy, two other soccer players are training.
MG: Basin, care to show the new guys around? Show them how we do it.
McGarvey leaves.
Bs: New kids on the pitch?
The guys nod.
Bs: Fear not, the away team is weakened. We can do this!
Bl: We're weakened too, hadn't you figured it out.
C: Don't look at me, I was just tryin' to bet a coupon!
M: I bet you couldn't slot it in from two feet, you melon.
C: And here I thought you weren't gonna play a primitive sport like soccer, just like you said fifteen minutes ago.
MG: Enough now! You're supposed to train, you can't disappoint our town!
Bl: You must be in shape, if you want to make the most out of it.
MG: To play ball, you must think like a ball! What does a ball do?
T: It rolls!
Tito lies down on the pitch, and rolls away.
P: Get back here!
MG: The ball is fast. Don't let it skip away! Keep it close, then slot it home!
Tito pulls a big board with the word "Montage" into view. It covers the middle of the screen.
T: Montage time!
Training montage.
Glam rock music in the background. The guys are training with the new friends. Penn is pitching the ball from one leg to another, Chet is using his knees.
M: Over here, you dafts!
Milton is passing the ball around with the others. Tito is running around aimlessly. Next slide, penalty shootout. Penn slots it into the corner.
P: Yes!
Milton hits the crossbar. Chet misses, cursing under his breath. Tito picks the ball up and charges towards the goal, knocking the goalie in the process. He throws the ball into the net and raises his hands in the air.
T: Victory!
Next slide. Chet and Penn are on the attack. Chet passes the ball to Penn. Tito slides and snatches the ball. Chet is in control again, he shoots. It bounces off of Tito's head, finding itself in the goal.
C: Clear goal!
Next slide. Milton's in possession. He dashes past Basin and another defender, he shoots on target. The ball lands in the net three more times, end of montage.
P: I'm ready!
Bs: Amazing! Nothing can stop us now.
Bl: Good luck to you all.
The start of the match.
The stadium fills up with attendees. The players walk out on the pitch, the home team takes on the stronger away team. First whistle, Firanzia is in possession.
P: No, not like that!
Bs: Baldy, to the center!
Baldy takes the ball, a clean pass to Basin. He confidently runs forward.
C: Toss me the ball!
Chet is on the left wing, he takes the ball.
C: I got that!
Chet sends the ball flying, the home team's forward heads it out - it's a throw in.
C: Shoot!
The Firanzia's goalkeeper sends the ball to the center of the pitch. The midfielder's ball, no one can stop him.
M: Tito, don't forget what the gaffer said!
T: Be the ball, eh!
Tito tosses himself on the pitch, rolling towards the midfielder, knocking over players from both teams. The referee blows the whistle, he keeps going. He forcefully takes the ball from under the #8's feet, he throws it at the attendees.
T: Bet you can't catch that!
An angry McGarvey storms the pitch.
MG: What the fuck was that?!
T: Think like the ball, eh?
MG: Do you know how many rules of soccer you have just broken? All of them!
The referee shows a red card to Tito, he's sent off.
Free kick for the away team.
The #5 midfielder is taking the shot, the home team ready.
Bl: Are we ready?
P: Ready when you are.
The #5 takes the shot, the ball flies way above everyone's heads, into the goal. 1:0 for the away team. Chet falls on his back, covering his face.
Bs: We're losing!
P: We'll come in from behind.
C: How do you expect to pull off a comeback with only ten folks left?
P: Nothing is impossible!
Jerry calls out from the stands.
JR: Nice start you're having, right?
Chet shows him the forearm jerk.
At the stands.
Jerry is sitting with several people: Crony, The Creator, and his brother, The Director.
TD: I see, is it a bet with Chet?
JR: Oh, they're not cheap ones!
Cr: $250 is no trifling matter. Such a shame that Penn and the other buys have only experienced soccer on TV, and 10-year-old kids' matches on the local school's field.
TD: Hey bro, what was all that about your plan?
TC: Huh?
TD: You went out into town with a toy gun around nine episodes ago, no one knows what this is about. And it was supposed to be something big.
TC: You'll just have to wait. I still have plenty of time.
Cr: Just don't finish them off too quickly, please. I just love watching them mess around.
TC: Fine.
Jerry looks at the others in surprise.
Cr: Oh, I'm sorry, mister. It looks like you don't understand. This talk is... only for the hyperaware. I'm afraid you won't understand what we're playing at. And to be honest, you won't understand anytime soon.
JR: But why is that?!
The Creator takes out his tablet, erases something. Jerry slowly fades away.
TC: Just because I can.
TD: What have you done?! You just erased an innocent man out of existence!
TC: Sorry, who was that? I don't remember anyone like that.
TD: Stop, you're freaking me out!
The Creator erases something again.
TD: Do you understand what you've-
The Director's lips disappear.
Cr: And just like that, we have achieved some peace and quiet.
Crony's eyes grow big.
Cr: And a full bladder. Be right back!
Crony runs off to the toilet. The Director looks angrily at his brother.
TC: Don't you worry, I can give you the valuable ability to make sounds anytime I want. Oh, I haven't yet figured out, how to do that.
The Director panics, he touches his face.
The soccer pitch.
The referee blows the whistle for the end of the first half. The teams go to the changing rooms. Tito is waiting for them.
T: Hey, b'ys! Down for some puck, eh?
Bs: You've played enough. We're down to ten men, because of you.
Bl: And we've lost another goal.
McGarvey peeks into the changing room.
MG: Time to make some subs.
He points at Penn and two more players.
MG: You, and you, and you, out. Make some spaces for the pros.
P: Hey, coach? You really don't want to give us a shot?
MG: If you still have the power...
P: We do!
MG: Alright, Penn stays. Bobby for Bonner, and Leonidas for the baldy. Don't screw things up!
The team leaves the changing room. Tito looks out of the window.
T: Guess we're catching the game from here, eh? I wonder who's playing, anyway.
Baldy sighs.
The second half of the match.
The away team holds a high lead. Basin is in possession, Bobby and Chet are on both wings.
Bo: Hey, pass me that!
C: Give her to me!
Bo: No, it's on me!
C: I'm closer!
Basin passes the ball to another striker, he slots it home. The referee blows the whistle for an offside.
C: There weren't no damn offside, what in the world?!
The away team's goalkeeper kicks the ball far into the field. Leonidas takes the ball, but a winger snatches it from him.
P: Moving back now! Milton!
Milton is standing in front of the #7. He couldn't stop him, it's a goal.
P: 3 to 0!
McGarvey yanks at the barriers angrily, he throws a board on the ground. On the stands...
Cr: The game is getting too long, don't you think?
TC: I'm sure that Jerry won't be picking up his cash.
Jerry is in the black void.
JR: Am I dead?
Cr: No, it's really getting too long. What if... what if I were to just...?
TC: Make a scene right here?
(Cr: Make a scene!)
The Creator and Crony exchange looks.
Cr: Well, I reckon it's only 3 minutes and 34 seconds until the end of the episode, but who cares?
Crony picks up a drink cup and throws it in front of him.
Cr: Ooh, I basted this one!
A tall, muscular hooligan jumps up from his seat.
Ho: Who did that?!
They both point at each other. The Creator turns Crony's hand towards another attendee, Colton, sitting at the Director's side. The hooligan approaches fast and knocks Colton out.
Ho2: No fucking rat is going to whack our men!
Ho3: Eye for an eye, you fucking doof!
The hooligans clash. The Creator, The Director and Crony quietly leave.
The match.
Chet is taking a free kick. He misses. Penn tries to fix the shot, he trips.
P: Oh gee...
He gets up, a bit stunned. Suddenly, a flare hits him square in the head.
P: What the-?!
He turns around to witness a massive brawl on the stands. The referee stops the match. The police officers keep the hooligans away. Gunshots ring out, the teams are escorted to the changing rooms. Milton slams the door shut.
Bs: Phew, I think we're safe n-
The hooligans barge in. The players panic, some try to fight back. Tito hides under a bench.
P: What the hell is this?!
M: I told you, soccer is properly primitive!
Ho4: The fuck did you say?
A hooligan grabs Milton by his shirt, Chet hits the hooligan over the head with a hanger.
P: Fucking hell, you're going to get us killed!
M: If you can't throw hands, jog on.
C: Watch me prove you wrong now.
Chet and Milton start throwing hands, Tito screams in fear.
P: Stop that, you're scaring Tito to death!
Chet pushes Penn away.
C: Screw you!
Penn tries to separate Chet and Milton. The police enter the changing room, pepper-spraying the angry hooligans.
TB: On the ground, now!
Ho4: There's the pigs!
The hooligans put their shirts over their faces, distracted.
P: Alright now, let's hightail it!
The guys flee.
In front of the stadium...
The guys are running away.
T: I'm finished with watchin' the game on TV!
Crony, The Director and The Creator leave. The Creator holds a tablet in his hand.
TC: Wait up, wait up! I got it.
The Creator scribbles something on his tablet, the Director gets his mouth back. He slaps his younger brother in the face.
TD: What in the hell were you thinking, silencing me!
Cr: Here we go again...
(TC: Quit whining!)
A moment of silence.
TC: You should be grateful for making it out alive.
TD: But you were the one to erase my trap, remember!
TC: So what?
Cr: Hate to interrupt, but it's about time we leg it.
TD: Why is that?
Angry hooligans are chasing after the men.
Ho5: That's them!
Ho1: I'll fucking squash those little pests!
TC: Uh-oh!
They run away.
In the kitchen.
Madison is looking out of the window.
Ma: Have you seen them?
A: Nay.
Ma: What's taking them so long?
The guys return home.
P: Hey, if anyone is wondering - yes, we're safe and sound.
Ma: What took you all so long?
M: Let's just say we had a bit of a cock-up back there.
P: Nothing much, just hooligans and match-setting, nothing unusual.
M: Chet?
C: Yep?
M: How's the bet with Jerry?
C: Well yeah, I ain't seen him none since the match.
In the black void...
JR: Is anybody here? hello? I'm scared of the dark! This isn't funny, get me out of here!
Back to the kitchen.
A: Oh, he works at the hospital, just roond the corner!
M: Such a bloody mess, right?
Everyone laughs.
P: Such a bloody mess indeed.
Chet is darting around the room.
M: All good?
C: Y'all, what if Milton was right? That this whole soccer thing is just primitive.
P: How so?
C: You ain't learned from them hooligans yet? Soccer just makes people act plum foolish.
M: Whatever you say, mate.
C: Bless my heart, I just got completely lost in the sauce. I wanted to win that bet so bad, y'all!
T: What say we flick on somethin' else, me ducks?
M: What do you want on?
T: Tennis, eh?
The guys look at each other.
P: Okay then.
(C: Sure thing.)
M: Yeah.
P: Who's playing?
C: That Japanese lady with the American.
T: I know them, eh!
P: Let's put the show on!
The guys bolt into the living room. Angie looks up at Madison.
A: Let’s join in with them.
Angie and Madison follow them. Fade to black.
End of episode 10.